Resolutions and Mistakes
by padfoot4eva
Summary: After she and James get into a fight, and James tells her that he really does love her, Lily is alone with her faults, and realizes that everything she ever hated in James Potter is what she found in herself. Sequel of sorts to Obnoxious Smarmy Gits


Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hogwarts, or anything that has ever been mentioned in the Harry Potter books does not belong to me. I would like to own them, and make billions of dollars every year, but the only thing in this story that is mine is my plot, if you can call it one. I am simply one of those very sad people who obsess over something that isn't real. So please, don't sue me, all I have that is of any value is a cello and a computer. Thank you for your time.

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January 1st, 1978

I feel like such a horrible person. No, I know I am such a horrible person. And I have no idea of how I can forgive myself.

For years, I've told myself that James Potter is an arrogant fool who doesn't deserve the time of day. What I've never realized, however, is how wrong I've been.

I never realized that every single time I complained about his arrogance, I was being a hypocrite, because I was just as arrogant as he was, if not more so. I believed that I had the right to humiliate him at every chance that I got. I believed that I was above the rules of morals, and above the rules of kindness. And I was the fool all along, for I didn't see that he loved me. And now I believe it may be too late.

When I discovered that James and I were going to be head boy and girl together, I was aghast. I figured that this would just be another year of my trying to avoid him, and of his never ceasing attempts to get me to go out with him. But I was wrong.

When we first arrived at the train, and were sitting there waiting for the prefects to show up, he asked me how my summer had gone. A normal question, it would seem, but one that I had never heard from him.

Our conversations in the past had been limited to me yelling at him, and him asking me out. This new approach was refreshing, and we actually had a nice conversation. But I remained wary of him. I still thought that this was just another attempt, because all the others before this one had failed. I thought, naively, that a leopard never changes his spots. So I refused to trust that the changes were real.

I'll admit that my most hideous fault is my temper. I will blow up at people, but then I will make life altering realizations. Like 2 years ago, when James and his friends where torturing Snape. I got angrier with them than I've ever gotten with anyone, and then, later, writing in my diary, I figured out how much I love him. Comical, eh?

But the fault that all my troubles of the moment stem from is my stubborn streak. I refused to believe that James could change. And so when after around three months oh him being his nice, polite James, I asked him a few days ago what had happened. Why he was being nicer, why he was comforting me whenever I felt bad. I told him that whatever he was trying, it wouldn't work. And then he exploded.

He told me that it wasn't a trick, that he was simply trying to be nicer because he thought I could use it. He felt like I could use a comforter, someone to hold my hand when I had to cross big streets, someone to shield and protect me. He told me all of this, yelling why I stared, wide eyed.

And then he hit the clincher. He told me he loved me. He said that he always had. And he had been trying so hard to win my trust and hopefully some positive feeling from me towards him. But then he said that he didn't even know why he had bothered. He said that he didn't care anymore. And so now I sit, alone, crying into the night.

It's been a week, and still he has said nothing to me. Not a word, not even an acknowledgement of my presence. And fate would make it that, the day he decides he can live without me, I figure out that I couldn't survive without him.

I am constantly turning around, thinking that he is going to be following me, protecting me where ever I go. I wait for his voice first thing in the morning, when I'm still half asleep, to tell me how beautiful I look. And I've just now realized how probable it is that I'm never going to get any of that back, ever.

But I can't blame him for anything that has happened. It's all my fault, I know it is. Everything that I ever hated in him, I have found in myself. And so now I have found myself, but lost him.

But maybe that's what this holiday is for. Finding things you dislike about yourself, and trying to make amends. It couldn't hurt to try, at least. And there is nothing that he could do to me when I profess my feelings that I haven't done already to him. So all is fair and just.

As I write this, I see a shooting star soar through the sky. Is it an omen, or just good luck? I don't know, but either will work. Lord knows I need the help.

Lily Evans

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I was never expecting to write a sequel to Obnoxious Smarmy Gits, but this one called to me. And so I had to write it.

I know that it's rather depressing, but I'm in a rather depressing mood right now, so it all works out.

Please review! I need in proof that people read my stuff, and that I'm not just putting it up to be ignored by the vast majority. It would only take a moment of your time, and I really think it's been scientifically proven that review help increase writing speed.

Also, since I am going to be writing more diary fics, I need to now what pairings and points of view people want. I usually go with what the public wants. Unless what the public wants is idiotic, in which case… never mind, I don't want to insult would be reviewers.

Now, since this is a sequel, I decided to answer the reviewers of Obnoxious Smarmy Gits

**cilverblood- thank you**

**Katie- thank you for being honest. I guess Lily sounds like a giggly teenage girl because I am a giggly teenage girl, but I did try to siphon off that stuff in this one.**

**J.E.A.R.K.Potter- Thank you**

**DanceDiva- I did write one from James point of view. It's called, My Everyting.**

**Jillie- Well, I love being an original.**

**Tanya J Potter- I was thinking about doing that, but the needed inspiration hasn't hit me yet.**

**MPPSexxySiriusJamesRemus- Thanks**

Much love to all,

Sally


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